Dating culture, contingency plans, and an invaluable life lesson from Moira Rose
Apr 18, 2021
My current relationship has its issues like anyone else’s, but we're managing. I would be lying, though, if I said those issues haven’t been intensified by the pandemic. When you decide to live with someone, you truly don’t imagine spending so much time with them… and only them.
When lockdown started last March, my partner and I were lucky that he kept his job. He’s a general contractor and his industry was deemed an essential service by our provincial government. So, at least we wouldn’t be forced to share our basement apartment for months on end.
Through all the stress and tension caused by the dumpster fire of a world we now find ourselves living in, topped with our financial plight caused by my loss of work opportunities, the sadness of missing our loved ones, and just overall cabin fever, we’ve found much needed solace in picking shows to enjoy together.
Our most recent binge-series was Schitt’s Creek, the beloved Emmy Award winning Canadian series and the inspiration for my call to action for everyone moving in – or currently living – with their partners.
In Finding David, the show’s season two premier episode, David Rose, the adult and seemingly spoiled son of Johnny and Moira Rose, runs away - fleeing the titular town of Schitt’s Creek trying to make it back to the “big city”. As the search for David ensues, Moira realizes he’s taken an heirloom bag that her great-grandmother took from her husband when she left him and has been passed down through all the women in the family as emergency currency in case they need to “leave their husbands in the middle of the night.”
Though Moira assures her own husband, John, she’ll never need it, she expresses the importance of keeping the contingency plan in the family in case it might ever be needed. The idea of this emergency-bag got me thinking, “what would I do if I needed to leave my partner?” Like many young couples, when we moved in together, we “smushed” most of our finances together to make ends meet. By becoming so financially dependent on each other, we lost our independence. I’ve come to realize that was a huge mistake. Not necessarily because we’re unhappy, but because it was irresponsible of us to assume that we’d be together forever.
Surprise: telling someone that you’re preparing in case you decide to leave them is a subject that requires a lot of explanation and patience. When I started redistributing some of my income into savings, my partner was… startled. The development of a contingency plan is a tricky thing to justify to the person you love, live with and share life plans with.
My partner has always been a “nothing is forever” stereotypical non-committal-but-committed type of guy (ugh, men). After some reassurance and a very 21st century discussion on financial dependency and manipulation within relationships, he really got it. We decided to re-establish individual responsibility for our savings and find a better approach to joint expenses. Turns out he doesn’t want to feel like I’m only in with him for the fiscal necessity.
For centuries people have found comfort in “finding the one” or “settling down.” Partnerships have been used to secure wealth, strengthen family blood lines and ally kingdoms since… well since forever. But we need to change this way of thinking. Afterall, no one wants to settle, so let’s eliminate the need by financially putting ourselves first.
When the societal norm is still that adult relationships are “for better or for worse”, if at some point you’re feeling unfulfilled and searching for a way out, there’s likely big financial risks involved in walking away. Having a financial safety net plan to fall into can make the other social, emotional, and potentially physical ramifications involved in leaving a partner that much easier to prepare for.
No one should be stuck in something that doesn’t fulfil them because they can’t afford to leave. Risk of homelessness or incurable debt shouldn’t be potential hazards when you decide to make a choice that’s best for you. Contingency plans need to be normalized within the culture of love, romance, and dating. No one should ever be unsure if their partner is with them because of love or because of bad financial planning and harmful philosophies like “until death do us part”.
The COVID-19 pandemic has caused a massive spike in breakups. Divorce rates are up around the world. And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with moving on, and the pandemic has changed so many people’s ways of thinking that it was really to be expected. Dynamics of relationships have changed almost entirely. Before the pandemic, when you moved in with someone it as generally expected that you would actually barely see them. A lot of people liked it that way. The disruption of agreed routines and expectations made even the strongest of couples susceptible to foundational cracks. Breakups suck. But if you need to breakup with someone, you shouldn’t be held back because of financial insecurity or dependency.
Again, I’m not currently planning on leaving my partner. I just realized the importance of prioritizing myself, my happiness, and my security above all else. I want to make sure that I’m with him for the right reasons, not just because of the fact that in today’s economic climate it’s near impossible to survive on your own without preparation and careful planning. Thanks to Moira Rose and her heirloom-emergency-currency-bag, I’ve started putting money away in precautionary preparation of the possibility I might find myself wanting for something different. I hope the funds are never used, and we can brave all bad weather together like power-couple Moira and Johnny Rose, but if we don’t find ourselves as lucky that’s okay. Because now, I’m prepared.
Feb. 7, 2024
Update: we broke up… like a month after writing that.
